FAUXROSCOPES #2

by lydiasee

February 13th, 2011 at 19:24 by Andrew

Happy Fuck­ing Trees

Hot off the presses here at Izzy’s Cof­fee Den where Cather­ine and I are plug­ging away inter­pret­ing the stars. We promise you that they are 100% actual horo­scopes, writ­ten be real writ­ers using an actual lan­guage. Don’t be fooled by the imi­ta­tors (look­ing at you Susan Miller). You can read all of the horo­scopes in this series here.

Aries
This is going to be an excel­lent week for your efforts to build a career. Get ready to update your resume, Aries, and make sure to include that thing you can do with your tongue. It’s a tough econ­omy, dar­lin. — A.

Tau­rus
The stars point to intense dan­ger for you. Go to the store, right now and buy all the chips on the shelves, stay home and eat them until they are gone and don’t leave your house. I’m seri­ous, what I’m see­ing for you out there on the streets would make a Span­ish Inquisi­tor queasy. Let’s just say it involves a tram­po­line, power tools and that Dober­man your neighbor’s just got. — A.

Gem­ini
This is a great time to play the stock mar­ket. Hot tip: Buy Frito-Lays stocks. They’re gonna blow up this week. Trust me. — A.

Can­cer
So you took your old lady back, huh, Can­cer? Weak­sauce. Don’t be afraid to take the plunge some­times and do what you know needs to hap­pen. Often times fear (com­fort) will stop us from doing what we know we is the best in a rela­tion­ship — I expected much more from you. Keep your head up and give it a 60% chance of actu­ally hap­pen­ing the way you “want”. — C.

Leo
Please, for the love of some diety, stop get­ting into bar brawls. Despite your spon­ta­neous bouts of rage being some­thing you’ve accepted as a part of your per­son­al­ity, try count­ing to ten before you “lightly push” some­one out of your way. Your face is too pretty to be punched. — C.

Virgo
Virgo, sorry for giv­ing you such a hard time last round of horo­scopes. You truly are inter­est­ing, no dop­ing some­one into think­ing so needs to hap­pen. Remem­ber Jamiro­quai? Although I am older and cooler now, I still lis­ten to his “canned heat” sweet, sweet jam for inspi­ra­tion some­times. Got some pent up emo­tions rag­ing? Dance ‘em out. With me. — C.

Libra
Get­ting drunk in a cof­fee shop with a good friend on a Sun­day is just what you need, Libra. So don’t hes­i­tate — your days of debauch­ery are long from gone, my friend. Rest your anx­i­eties for once and write some sto­ries. — C.

Scor­pio
I am so sick of Tom Waits. Inno­v­a­tive? Sure. Kooky? uh chyeah. Over­played and really annoy­ing? Def­i­nitely. Scor­pio, try explor­ing new things and not con­form­ing to the likes of those around you. Despite the fact you thrive on atten­tion and con­ver­sa­tion with oth­ers, you will inad­ver­tently miss out on so much you could enjoy because you can’t think for your­self. — C.

Sagit­tar­ius
Dear Sagit­tar­ius, I like your ambi­tion to seek out those who inspire you. I think you have great ideas and are fully capa­ble of a suc­cess­ful fol­low through, but don’t think too much or too lit­tle about these plans first; they will fal­ter. Have an oppor­tu­nity to take a lit­tle vacay with your two best friends? If you don’t take it now, they’ll shut you up quick next time you com­plain about how much your life sucks, and how you wish you could do the things you com­pletely neglected to do. — C.

Capri­corn
I’m a lit­tle wor­ried about you, Capri­corn. Child sup­port is expen­sive but you still have to pay it. Oh you didn’t know? I’m preg­nant. — A.

Aquar­ius
I’m proud of you, Aquar­ius. This truly is the dawn­ing of the rage of Aquar­ius and I’m so glad I can be a part of the absur­dity that will ensue soon. — C.

Pisces
You’re not going to have much to do on Valentine’s Day, but that’s just because you’re awful in bed and word got around (ya slut). But take heart! The stars point to a reawak­en­ing of your viril­ity due to a can­cer­ous lesion on your pitu­itary gland. Side effects also include a stylin’ new mus­tache. — A.

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