Andrew & Catherine’s Fauxroscopes for the week of 2-9-11

by lydiasee

Originally posted February 9th, 2011 at 15:29 by Andrew

 

Man passes out in the chip aisle

Today my good friend Cather­ine DeBroder and I started writ­ing horo­scopes. I’ve been want­ing to do this for a while, and I was just the right mix of hun­gover, caf­feinated and men­tally unsta­ble to pull it off. I think we’re going to do this every week, so stay tuned. For the record: I’m an Aquar­ius and Cather­ine is a Libra.

Aries
“The Ram” in Hel­lenis­tic tra­di­tion, you’re doing a great job of buck­ing around, Aries. Be on the hunt for some­one who can add more fuel to your cre­ative fire, and then do them. You’re going to be in love! Tread lightly on your cre­ative ideas, you don’t han­dle rejec­tion well, and you’re bound to hear some unfa­vor­able opin­ions of your cre­ations. — C.

Tau­rus
You were such an ass­hole last night. I mean, really what kind of prick does that? Shit­ting into a con­dom is for the bed­room, not the kitchen. Don’t you know any­thing? But I can’t really be mad. You’re just so cute in that uni­form. Now, it’s time for you to get to work. Crime doesn’t stop itself you know. — A.

Gem­ini
Divide and con­quer is an excel­lent apho­rism for you to think about. To con­quer your­self, divide into two pieces (which you are so good at any­way) and throw away the half with that unsightly foot­ball sized goi­ter. — A.

Can­cer
Uuh­h­h­hhh Can­cer. I shud­der at the word. Let go of your anx­i­eties that are truly a mere waste of brain space and start liv­ing your life.  Wanna come to Mardi Gras with me? Your birth­day is this sum­mer. It’s going to be a hot one so cool it down by tak­ing some hikes, swims, baths with loved ones, you know. Be cog­nizant of social sit­u­a­tions this month, don’t strike up con­ver­sa­tions with peo­ple who you may sus­pect don’t want you to waste their time. You’re remark­ably good at read­ing peo­ple,  put it to good use. You’re not as good as Libra, how­ever, so ask their advice. You will be enlight­ened my friend. — C.

Leo
All is fair in love and war, right? Not always with you, Leo. I think you should rekin­dle old rela­tion­ships you’ve writ­ten off in the past because who knows, maybe things could be sparked once more? Pre­oc­cu­pied by another? so what, do it any­ways. Happy Valentine’s. And Black His­tory Month. — C.

Virgo
Pretty sirens aren’t sup­posed to go flat, it’s not sup­posed to hap­pen like thaaaaaat. Even of Mon­tréal knows, Virgo , your ass is bor­ing. Spice things up a bit. I rec­om­mend a heavy dose of alco­hol related sex­ual mishaps (get­ting Felded, as opposed to Haimed) and find some hearts to break. Start by dop­ing some­one into think­ing you’re inter­est­ing. — C.

Libra
Stop over think­ing things, Libra. Next time you feaux break-up with some­one, they’ll take the words right out of your mouth for you. Your charm­ing ways won’t always come in handy for you, instead they may be caus­ing you more con­fu­sion than suc­cess, espe­cially in work rela­tion­ships. Draw the line, Libra. I rec­om­mend you keep your witty wits about you, remem­ber to con­sider oth­ers’ feel­ings amidst your ram­pages, you devil you. It’s a rough life being so per­fect, we all know. — C.

Scor­pio
Life is an end­less adven­ture with you, Scor­pio. What the hell is going on in your head? Jeal­ousy, pos­ses­sive­ness, and feroc­ity are all emo­tions we feel, but jesus-get ‘em under wraps. — A.

Sagit­tar­ius
Sagit­tar­ius, you’ve always been my favorite. These next upcom­ing months are going to be the utmost fun you’ve ever had, ever. Life is good, Sagit­tar­ius. Be wary, how­ever, don’t get beaten at your own game by some­one you’d least expect. Gain­ing con­trol of your emo­tions in cer­tain sit­u­a­tions can be hard, but just remem­ber to hug it out. Life is hard, Sagit­tar­ius. — C.

Capri­corn
You are grow­ing very sleepy. Ver­rrry sleepy. Now, keep star­ing straight ahead while I get out of these cuffs. — A.

Aquar­ius
A word for the week: indif­fer­ence. You might be described as incor­ri­gi­ble, but being indif­fer­ent is the anti­dote for car­ing about how peo­ple describe you. So get some polka dots out, wear some stripes, tear apart the cur­tains, wear it all. Not giv­ing a shit looks great on you. — A.

Pisces
Your insa­tiable desire for atten­tion this week will be all you think about next week in rehab. Because of this, I rec­om­mend stock­ing your body up on liquor and amphet­a­mines. The good news is that rehab is a great way to get out of a bad rela­tion­ship, Pisces, which is some­thing you surely need to do right now. Or if you’re sin­gle, remind your­self of how mis­er­able every­one you know in a rela­tion­ship is. But remem­ber, the grass is never greener on the other side. Unless you’ve been invol­un­tar­ily com­mit­ted. — A.

 

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