scruples

by lydiasee

“..but at the same time i have scruples.
well that’s neither here nor there anyway.”

“How can I convince you it’s me I don’t like
And not be so indifferent to the look in your eyes
When I’ve always been distant
And I’ve always told lies for love

I’m bound by these choices so hard to make
I’m bound by the feeling so easy to fake
None of this is real enough to take me from you

Oh I’ve got reservations
About so many things
But not about you

I know this isn’t what you were wanting me to say
How can I get closer and be further away
From the truth that proves it’s beautiful to lie

I’ve got reservations
About so many things
But not about you
I’ve reservations
About so many things
But not about you
Not about you
Not about you
Not about you
It’s not about you”

-wilco, reservations

sometimes only jeff tweedy can say it right. once i was taken to charlotte, to ovens to see wilco.

once, i was given a ticket to see wilco by an officer of the law who had come to the alley way beside thomas wolfe to ask why i was lingering there, to which i replied that i was just trying to hear as much of the sold out show as i could.

once, i was true to myself and didn’t worry so much about making others happy as i do now.

but that can’t be right.

i’ve got scruples.

i’ve got reservations.

i had one of the most wonderful days i have had yet today.

i worked in the early part of the day, feeling gross and sickly. the sun came out of hiding today, and much to my surprise, it was shorts weather far into the evening. at the time, though, i has my black pants and shirt from work, and as i walked over to the studio i began to sweat from warmth for the first time this season, rather than from being over-layered.

the studio was exactly as i had expected, all but the studio assistant. how do you get a job like that? how do you charm an exceptionally well-renown artist to allow you to do their grunt-work for them?

note to self: the studio in general can be as much, if not more of a cohesive learning environment than the classroom.

  1. find someone to apprentice under.
  2. work my ass off.
  3. learn everything i can possibly learn from said individual.

anyway, we went to run some errands, talked klimpt and schiele, chuck close, and some other artist whose name escaped randy intil much later: soutine.

i felt inspired by simply the presence of a working artist, someone who seems to appreciate his ‘really cool job’ and finds joy in it.

i was able to articulate my tendencies to assemble art in three stages: surface treatment/preparation, collection of objects, images, ideas to be included, then merging and assembling with precision while not being afraid to let the medium change my mind.

i left with a bounce in my step to meet my craigslist window hook-ups, who turned out to be this alarmingly sweet couple who asked simply that i use the windows for the art which makes me happy, and then to ‘pay it forward’ and pass along a good deed to someone else. they then offered many more countrified windows, should i need them, helped me load the frames onto a little rusty dolly, which they gave me as well, and then were on their way.

i immediately bumped into none other than the beautiful miss purdy-lady, who helped me to the car with my treasures, and drove me home so i could grab my camera and some money to get out of the deck more quickly.

i slammed some clothes on, ran downtown, and caught firecracker jazz band playing the soundtrack of unifire theater’s performance, got some great images.

went to chapala with kaleb and joe.

came home to work and have done nothing but clean and watch six feet under.

and write.

all in all i am happy with my day.

i have not said that enough lately.

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